Chapter 128: Not so simple

It’s not so simple for one to accept things; it isn’t so simple to surrender-- Because I am not one thing, I am many; I am not just the part of me I swear to be, but there is another within that plays by its own rules-- And in order for me to accept anything from you, a thousand I’s in me must congruently accept; and to surrender, I must offer more than myself, but all the self that is not just me--

And we pretend all these aspects of self are so aligned, and work together so well-- And the one who has uncontrollable anxiety insists they are in control; the one’s who’s thoughts wander upon how they are being judged by others, they insist they are themselves and in control-- It is not so easy to surrender, and control is something you never had--

It is not so easy to surrender, and it is not so easy to accept-- For a thousand you’s make you up and a million me’s have I found, a different view at every part of myself; a different perspective at every angle of myself; a different thought for every moment I exist in-- And a single thought repeats throughout, and that is myself--

It is not so easy to surrender, and so much harder to accept; because I give, and every part of me gives, and I am a thousand gifts upon my being, and every one of them is taking it seriously; but they cannot take it! Because they only give, they only are, they only exist in a single moment as I move through them, and I only exist in a single moment as they move through me-- It is just not so easy to surrender, and this is hard to accept--

And so many call upon unity; we must work together they say! And I say this upon myself, and each one says it upon their own self and to each other until it spills out my mouth about how we need to unify; and it is just an echo of our own hopes-- But wandering in the dark I have murmurs in my spine, work together towards what? And it becomes so hard to surrender, but easier to accept-- I am veil after veil, the moon and the sun; and it taunts me-- Because we do work together, and we have always worked together; but we have always worked together towards what? and I surrender--